Is Compassion Always Appropriate? What We Often Misunderstand.

Hello everyone, recently I received a thoughtful response from someone who read my blog post on mindfulness and compassion. He shared honestly about a time when compassion felt impossible for him—when a homeless encampment near his home led to fear, crime, disruption, and a deep sense of unsafety. He asked:

“Are there times when compassion is not called for?”

This is a question many people struggle with. It reveals a common misunderstanding: compassion is often confused with tolerance, approval, or letting harm continue.

I shared this response with him:

Thank you so much for your honesty. What you experienced—the fear, frustration, the increase in crime, the impact on your neighbors and your park—are not small things. They affect the nervous system, the sense of safety, and the ability to remain open. It makes complete sense that your compassion feels depleted. No one can stay resourced in the face of ongoing harm without tending to their own limits.

Compassion is not the same as tolerance, nor does it mean “being okay” with harmful behavior. Compassion includes truth-telling, healthy boundaries, and protecting what needs protection. This, too, is an act of caring for the other person. In Zen, compassion is not passive—it is the wisdom to clearly see reality as a whole: what is happening right now, how it is happening, and how our own perceptions shape that experience.

So when you ask, “Are there times when compassion is not called for?”I would say compassion is always possible, but its expression can change.

Sometimes compassion looks like:• kindness or understanding• sometimes like accountability• sometimes like saying “no more”• sometimes like drawing clear boundaries• and sometimes, like stepping back to protect your own well-being.

Compassion doesn’t mean excusing harm. It means seeing that everyone involved is caught in causes and conditions—including you, who were impacted deeply. Your reaction makes sense.

And I added:

If compassion for others feels unavailable right now, that is not a failure. It is a sign of how much you’ve carried. And it may mean that the compassion most needed in this moment is toward yourself—for the exhaustion, fear, and stress you endured. Please be kind to yourself, so your capacity to extend compassion to others can replenish naturally.

Because this question—“Is compassion always appropriate?”—comes up again and again.

People often fear that compassion means:

being taken advantage of,

accepting harm,

excusing behavior,

giving up boundaries, or

diminishing their own safety.

But compassion is not the opposite of boundaries. Compassion sometimes requires boundaries—set with clarity rather than reactivity.

And it’s important to remember two things:

First, compassion is not only for others but also for ourselves. When we are overwhelmed or depleted, self-compassion is what restores our capacity to meet the world with integrity and steadiness.

Second, compassion is the heart’s natural movement. When the mind is clear and open, kindness flows almost effortlessly—unforced, unmanufactured—simply an expression of our shared humanity.

Sonomama—being fully present with what is—helps us stay with our experience without resistance or grasping.From that gentle acceptance, true compassion blooms.

Please read the blog post if you have not yet.

Words and Photo by K E I K O